Calm yourself. That's just the lockdown talking.

Take a deep breath and I'll make you a nice cup of tea. You'll come to your senses soon.

No, you don't understand. It's my shopping list.

Remember what Gladys told us: no panic buying.

I'm not. I've decided to shift my lockdown kilos with a mono diet.

Eating black and white things?

Eating just one thing: a single food, for several days or weeks.

More lifestyle:

So the 'mono' stands for monotonous?

Monotrophic, if you please. The results can be quite dramatic.

In 2016, magician Penn Jillette from Vegas duo Penn and Teller followed a potatoes-only mono diet for two weeks to kickstart his 45kg weight loss.

I love Penn and Teller. But are you sure this radical reduction wasn't just sleight of hand? I'm expecting Penn's vanished kilos to reappear dramatically, pulled from a top hat or behind somebody's ear.

It was very real. Penn documented his mono diet in a book called Presto! How I Made Over 100 Pounds Disappear and Other Magical Tales.

My point exactly.

If you don't believe Penn, try Melbourne's Andrew Taylor, AKA @spudfit, who lost over 50 kilos after eating only potatoes for a whole year.

Holy Sebago! Nothing else?

Nothing else. Just baked, boiled or mashed potatoes.

I guess spuds make more nutritional sense than chicken nuggets or lamingtons.

For Taylor, it was really about the psychology. Pre-potatoes, he was a 151kg, depressed, self-confessed food addict. His year of spuds was an extreme circuit-breaker for his troubled relationship with food. He eats a balanced diet now.

Any other foods popular with the mono crowd?

Bananas and other fruits; eggs, milk, even chocolate. Matt Damon lived on chicken breasts alone to lose weight for a role. Nicole Kidman did the same with boiled eggs. But I'll be honest with you - no dietitian in the world is going to mandate mono. No single food has sufficient nutrients for your long-term survival. Some might even call it dangerous.

And you're still going potatoes-only?

I'll admit it - I'm falling off the shopping trolley. After 48 spud-filled hours, I've developed an uncontrollable craving for broccoli.

I guess when it comes to food, monogamy might be overrated.